Pre-game:
The Phils regained a bit of pride last night with a 3-2 win over the Florida Marlins. The win snapped a five-game losing streak, which included a three-game sweep by the Mets in which the Phils did not score a run.
Roy Halladay (6-3, 2.22 ERA) looks to recover from last Sunday’s 8-3 pounding by the Boston Red Sox, while the Phils bats will again be tested against Florida phenom Josh Johnson (5-1, 2.43 ERA)
As he prepares to blog a game that he witnessed nearly four months ago, Don Pigeon rubs his eyes and recalls how he ended up here.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: THE POWER OF LOVE
9/16/10 6:00 PM – Chester County PA
Another day of Fixed Asset accounting has ended, and as he walks to his car through a steady rain, Don Pigeon is relieved that his beloved Phillies are not playing baseball tonight. He contemplates the notion actually eating with his family, helping his son with homework and watching some TV with his wife.
But Don’s plans change when he sees his car resting on four slashed tires. As the rain begins to soak through his clothes, Don pulls a note from his windshield.
“Your blog is retarded and you are a jackass. Don’t ever post your @#$% on the internet again!”
Bottom 1st: 0-0
Halladay runs a 3-2 count on Chris Coghlan before striking him out with a fastball on the outside corner.
Gaby Sanchez (why exactly is his name spelled with just one ‘b’?) flails helplessly at a 2-2 curveball.
Hanley Ramirez works a 3-1 count before watching a 92-mph fastball sail six inches outside.
Strike two.
Ramirez then swings at ball five and grounds softly to Chase Utley for the final out.
Home plate umpire Mike DiMuro is calling the inside corner, the outside corner and the knee-high stuff for strikes.
With a strike zone that big – Roy Halladay just might be unhittable tonight.
Furious and indignant, Don screams aloud:
“I’m never going to stop blogging!!! Even if no one reads it, I’ll keep writing it just to PISS YOU OFF!!!”
Suddenly, Don hears the scream of a rice-burner engine at red-line. Angered by the hater’s note, he never noticed the yellow 1989 Mazda Miata facing him across the empty lot. His inattentiveness could prove fatal . . .
Bottom 2nd: 0-0
Jorge Cantu runs a 3-1 count, but Halladay induces a foul tip and an empty swing to record the strikeout.
Dan Uggla is victimized by a pair of filthy curveballs, one taken and one missed, and becomes Halladay’s fourth strikeout victim.
Cody Ross hacks at a first-pitch sinker and grounds softly to third base to end the inning.
Leaping at the last instant, Don hears the Miata roar past and smash broadside into his sedan.
Clutching his laptop for dear life, Don begins running toward the only other car in the massive parking lot. It’s a DeLorean that has been sitting idle for six months. Supposedly it belongs to someone in the labs department – a chemist who tests vials for leaching.
Terrified, Don watches the blog hater pries the Miata loose from the wreckage of his sedan. Choosing survival over his co-worker’s property, Don tugs on the DeLorean handle and ducks as the door swings just past his head. He closes the door and glances at the Miata which is crossing the parking lot aimed straight at him.
“SON OF A . . . “
Don interrupts his oath by slamming on the dashboard of the DeLorean, and is shocked to see the instrument panel light up and the engine roar to life. With a second to spare, Don floors the gas and pulls out of the space as the Miata screams harmlessly past.
Top 3rd: 0-0
The inning opens with Chris Wheeler asking Tom McCarthy; “What’s a Chewbacca?”
Wheeler may be the only person alive in 1977 who has never seen the most defining film of my generation.
McCarthy: “Star Wars was kind of a cult movie; not many people saw it.”
The repartee gets better . . . Wheeler confesses his allegiance to Davy Crockett, noting that title character Fess Parker had recently passed away.
Wheeler: “You know; born on a mountain top in Tennessee?”
McCarthy: “Did he DIE on a mountain top in Tennessee?”
Wilson Valdez interrupts the hilarity by dunking a one-out single to center for his second hit of the night.
Chase Utley then drops the bat-head on a low change up and sends a line drive to center. This should be a routine play for centerfielder Cameron Maybin, but the rookie misreads the ball and then mistimes his catch. The ball clanks off the top of Maybin’s glove and rolls to the fence, allowing Valdez to sprint home with the first run of the game.
The play is correctly ruled E-8
With his life in the balance, Don decides his only hope is to reach the PA Turnpike and get a State Trooper to notice his peril. He flies through the EZ-PASS lane it at 60-mph. A glance at the rear-view mirror shows the Miata gaining quickly despite severe front-end damage.
A peek at the driver reveals a male, perhaps college-age, clumsily aiming . . . A ROCKET LAUNCHER??? toward the DeLorean.
Merging onto the eastbound Turnpike, Don slams his right foot to the floor and begins to pray . . .
Bottom 3rd: PHI 1 – FLA 0
Pinch-hitter Brett Hayes pops a 1-0 fastball to Chase Utley.
Maybin, who gifted the Phils with their 1-0 lead, lifts a 1-0 fastball to center. Shane Victorino and Jayson Werth nearly collide, but the Caveman peels off at the last instant.
Halladay blows pitcher Josh Johnson away to end the inning and the first rotation of the Florida lineup.
The speedometer climbs . . . 75 mph . . . 80 . . .
Don checks the rear-view and sees the rocket has launched and is streaking toward his back bumper . . .
85 . . .
A blinding flash suddenly fills the DeLorean windshield. Figuring the rocket has reached struck the car, Don thinks of the wife, daughter and son that he will never see again. . .
But instead of a fatal explosion, Don hears a blast of static from the previously unnoticed AM radio.
“This Sue Schilling with a WIP sports update . . . in just about 90 minutes the Flyers will take to the ice against the Chicago Blackhawks in Game One of the Stanley Cup Finals . . .
Don thinks to himself, “Did I just die and go to Philly Sports Heaven?”
He then notices the odd display just above the radio console. It shows an odd date and time:
5/29/10 – 6:30 PM
Bottom 4th: PHI 1 – FLA 0
Chris Coghlan grounds an 0-1 fastball sharply to second for the first out in the fourth.
Gaby Sanchez lines a fastball to center-field. Victorino reads the ball perfectly for the second out.
Hanley Ramirez battles Halladay, sending a wicked liner into the Phillies bullpen. But he watches a 93-mph fastball at the knees for a called third strike.
12 batters up – 12 batters down.
“And in Miami, Roy Halladay takes the mound for the Phils as they continue their weekend series against the Marlins. Halladay will be opposed by right-hander Josh Johnson; first pitch slated for 7:05.”
Suddenly realizing that he is driving well over 100-mph, Don taps the brakes and notices that the sky is brighter and the turnpike is bone dry. He glances at the surrounding traffic and sees no sign of the blog-hater and his yellow Miata.
Don directs the DeLorean toward the King of Prussia exit so he can turn back toward home.
Bottom 5th: PHI 1 – FLA 0
Jorge Cantu grounds sharply toward the hole at second. Chase Utley reacts nicely, cutting the ball off and gunning down Cantu at first.
Uggla works a 3-2 count, but gets jammed on a fastball and lifts a can-of-corn to Victorino.
Halladay splinters Cody Ross’s bat with a 93-mph fastball, and Ryan Howard gobbles up the weak grounder to end the inning.
15 Marlins have batted and none have reached base.
As much as Don wished he had created the Going Pigeon blog before this game was played, he has reason for concern.
He sure doesn’t want to relive moment of family drama from the past four months.
Suddenly, Don recalls a huge dispute over dishes he forgot to wash before his wife returned home from visiting her aunt on May 29. He runs downstairs and washes the dishes – drying his hands just as his wife pulls into the driveway.
Hey! Thanks for doing those . . . I was sure you would forget!
Bottom 6th: PHI 1 – FLA 0
Brett Hayes flails at a change-up for strike three. Carlos Ruiz drops the ball, but calmly grabs it and fires to first for the out.
Cameron Maybin works a 3-1 count, and then sends a slow hopper toward Wilson Valdez, who is playing short for the injured Jimmy Rollins.
Valdez has perhaps the best arm on the Phillies, and uses it to gun down Maybin by a fraction at first base.
Josh Johnson connects with a Halladay fastball, but the ball flies straight to Raul Ibanez for the final out.
Just as Don begins jotting notes on every preventable misstep he can remember over the past four months, he hears the shrill bark of Sophie, the Pigeon’s West Highland Terrier. Then he hears a familiar, angry voice:
“I’VE BEEN COMING INTO THIS HOUSE FOR TEN YEARS AND THAT STUPID DOG STILL DOESN’T KNOW ITS ME!!!”
The sound of his own voice reminds Don of something he saw during a 1980’s movie . . . you must NEVER meet yourself during a time-travel experience! The consequences will be . . . CATASTROPHIC!!!
Don 9.16.10 panics as he hears Don 5.29.10 climb the stairs and open the door to the Cave of Insanity . . .
Bottom 7th: PHI 1 – FLA 0
Chris Coghlan once again looks at a third-strike fastball on the outside corner. It appears to be a strike, and Mike DiMuro is calling everything close.
Gaby Sanchez works a 3-2 count; the fifth time Halladay has faced ball three. Halladay throws a gutsy 3-2 curveball, which Sanchez sends to left field for the second out.
Hanley Ramirez works yet another 3-2 count. Halladay’s fastballs are now reaching 94 and 95 mph. The 3-2 pitch paints the inside corner at 92-mph for his ninth strikeout.
Don 9.16.10 grabs his laptop and scrambles underneath the bed as Don 5.29.10 enters the master bedroom. He holds his breath as his parallel self rummages through the cluttered room, clearly looking for something.
Don 5.29.10 (to himself): “Where on earth did I do with that laptop?”
Suddenly remembering that he did some Saturday work at the office on 5/29, Don 9.16.10 takes a bold risk . . .
Don 9.16.10 (Whispers softly): “Oh no – I think I left the thing at work!”
Don 5.29.10; “SON OF A B- I must have left the thing at work! I’m such an Idiot!”
Don 9.16.10 hears his parallel self stomp angrily down the stairs and grab his car keys off the kitchen nook. He hears his wife scream from the laundry room “Where are you going?”
Don 5.29.10: “I left my laptop at work. I’ll be back in about 45 minutes.”
Bottom 8th: PHI 1 – FLA 0
Jorge Cantu leads off the Florida eighth. The 1-0 pitch nearly hits Cantu, but the proud slugger hops away rather than take a cheap base off his nuts.
Cantu smashes a grounder toward third baseman Juan Castro, who is also filling in for an injured Phillie starter – Placido Polanco. Castro lunges quickly to his left to snare the ball and fire Cantu out at first.
Every perfect game has a bail-out defensive play. Juan Castro has just provided one.
With the count 2-2 on Dan Uggla, Halladay fires a 94-mph laser on the outside corner for strike three.
Cody Ross ends the third inning with a weak pop-up to Wilson Valdez.
Roy Halladay is three outs from immortality.
Don knows that he can’t get away with another move like that, but he also knows that Roy Halladay is a fast worker and the game should end just in time for him to escape in the DeLorean. He will never get to blog another perfect game, and he is determined to bring it home.
Bottom 9th: PHI 1 – FLA 0
The Marlins send left-handed pinch-hitter Mike Lamb to lead off the ninth inning. Lamb crushes a 2-1 fastball to dead center. At Citizens Bank Park, that ball is a home run. At Joe Robbie/Pro Player/Land Shark/Sun Life Stadium, it is a long and loud out.
Cameron Maybin is called back to the dugout in favor of former Phillie and frequent Phillie-killer Wes Helms. The former third-base butcher watches a 93-mph fastball paint the inside corner for strike three.
Ronny Paulino is the last pinch-hitter standing between Roy Halladay and history.
With the count 1-2, Halladay throws a change-up. Paulino slaps a dangerous grounder to third, but Castro ranges to his left, rotates to aim correctly and fires a strike to Ryan Howard to end the game.
Don ignores his wife’s surprised shout (I thought you left a long time ago!) as he runs out the door with his keys. He slams the dashboard of the DeLorean and makes his way back to the Eastbound PA Turnpike.
He adjusts the date-time setting of the dashboard to 9/16/10 – 4:45 PM. He punches the accelerator and watches the speedometer climb to 88 mph.
After the sky flashes and turns suddenly rainy, Don happens upon an FM station playing “Another Way to Die” by Disturbed.
Inspired by the metalcore band, Don remembers that Little Pige left a box of nails in the trunk of his sedan. As after pulling the DeLorean into its original space, Don fetches the nails and places them into a vacant parking space.
As he climbs into his own sedan, Don watches a yellow Mazda Miata pull into the vacant space and immediately puncture all four tires.
I am Don Pigeon and I am OUT!!!
