Pre-game:
Just when it looked like Bobby Cox had used all of his 2010 Philadephia Phillies voodoo dolls, the SOB finds another one . . .
BRAD LIDGE
This is unbelievable: Lidge finally starts to resemble a pitcher who resembles the pitcher who struck out Eric Hinske for the final out of the 2008 World Series, and now he has a HYPEREXTENDED ELBOW???
Oh well! Business as usual. Adversity builds character, and this team is the 1927 Yankees of freaking character!
Top 1st:
By my estimation, the Phils need 7 complete innings from Cole Hamels to have a chance of winning this game. The first inning goes well as Hamels sets the Fish down in order.
Hamels even retires Logan Morrison: The World's Greatest Hitter in the World!
Maybe we have a chance . . .
Bottom 1st: 0-0
The Phils are facing another Build-A-Stiff in Marlin starter Andrew Miller, who has size and talent on his side but little else - like poise, savvy or control. He enters the game with just 15 innings pitched for the Fish after posting a minor league record of 1-8.
He is left-handed, however, so make no assumptions.
Shane Victorino guesses right on Miller's second pitch - a 91-mph fastball in the Nitro Zone - for a double to left-center.
Placido Polanco lines out to right field, but Chase Utley draws a walk to put runners at 1st and 2nd.
Ryan Howard goes into pennant drive mode and crushes a liner toward Florida Mike Stanton in right. The Phils catch a break as Stanton gets his Domonic Brown on and boots the ball back to the warning track, allowing both Victorino and Utley to score.
The Phils miss a golden opportunity to score as Howard misplaces third base just long enough to get thrown out at home following a Rollins two-out single.
Bottom 2nd: PHI 2 - FLA 0
Raul Ibanez leads off by smoking a Miller fastball to the right-field fence. Stanton nearly makes a web-gem catch, but the ball spins off his mitt for a double.
Carlos Ruiz draws a walk, and Cole Hamels sends a sacrifice bunt toward third base. Wes Helms takes the opportunity to re-enact his Phillies fielding career and fires high-and-wide to first base for an error.
But in typical 2010 Phils fashion, the Phils manage just a single run when Victorino grounds to third to score Ibanez.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: A RETRACTION
Typical 2010 Phils fashion would have meant no runs after bases-loaded and no-outs.
Bottom 3rd: PHI 3 - FLA 0
Somewhere in the Atlanta area, there is a very powerful Voodoo Priestess who had a little too much to drink following a Braves game . . .
In front of a elderly Braves fan . . .
With a camrea . . .
And that elderly fan is BOBBY COX!!
There is no other way in earth to describe what just happened. Jimmy Rollins finally starts to resemble a hitter who resembles the 2007 NL MVP, and then he injures his leg (calf? knee? vericose veins?) halfway between 1st and 2nd.
Rollins eventually scores on a dink hit by Carlos Ruiz, but is forced to leave the game upon reaching the dugout.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: CRIMINAL MINDS
Deep in the bowels of Citizens Bank Park, a hispanic fellow in a Phillies jersey is furiously trying to flush an object down the toilet.
COME ON-COME ON-COME ON!!!, the fellow shouts as he feels the familiar vibration of his IPhone 4.
After 5 rings, he decides he needs to pick up.
"Valdez! We need you out here. Jimmy's hurt his leg again!"
The utility infielder dashes away from the toilet as the water starts to swirl. Seconds later, the toilet clogs and the offending item is pushed to the surface.
Top 4th: PHI 4 - FLA 0
Comcast Sportsnet shows three middle-aged men joyfully eating some barbecue, prepared with love by Greg Luzinski.
I'm guessing they have no idea that Rollins had to leave the game with a leg injury.
I know I have no freaking appetitie right now!
One thing you can say about Ryan Howard: when the Big Piece gets into pennant drive mode, injuries to closers and MVP shortstops don't phase him.
With Polanco and Utley on base, Howard ignites some Andrew Miller Napalm for a 3-run oppostive field home run.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: CRIMINAL MINDS PART II
With Vicks Vapor-Rub generously appiled to their noses, Special Agents Emily Prentiss and Spencer Reed examine the fecal-drenched object recovered in the home clubhouse lavratory at CBP.
Reed: "It would seem that someone was trying to dispose of this item."
Prentiss: "You sure about that? I don't see any toilet paper on the roll - maybe the guy was just making do with what he had. What did he have, anyway?"
Reed: "It looks like some short of sack puppet - it reminds me of the dude from Little Big Planet"
Prentiss: "What the hell are you talking about, Reed?"
Reed: "You know . . . Little Big Planet? The PS3 game? Game Informer PS3 Game of the Year?"
Prentiss: "You really . . . really need to find a girlfriend!"
Reed: "Funny you metioned that . . . the girl at Game Stop who sold me Little Big Planet wrote her cell number on the receipt"
Bottom 5th: PHI 7 - FLA 0
Phils add two more runs with the help of an infield hit by Hamels and a Gaby Sanchez error.
Top 7th: PHI 9 - FLA 0
Hamels strikes out Brad Davis to end his night with 7 scoreless innings.
Top 8th: PHI 10 - FLA 0
After adding an insurance run in the home seventh, the Phils bring in newly acquired Nate Robinson - a former Marlin - to rest the back end of their bullpen.
Robinson strikes out Mike Rivera to start the inning, and then proceeds with his attempted homocide of the Phillies season.
Emelio Bonofacio lobs a single past the outstretched glove of Utley about 150-feet from home plate. Robinson then walks the invincible Craig Morrison.
Robinson then dominates Gabby Sanchez for five pitches. The sixth pitch . . . not so much . . . as Robinson grooves a Napalm rocket at the knees that slices a 20-mph headwind for a 3-run homer.
After a walk to Dan Uggla, Robinson strikes out Mike Stanton for the second out. Wes Helms then reaches on a grounder as Chase Utley over-rotates while throwing to first .
Robinson sends some E.L. Fudge to Cameron Maybin, who lines a rocket into the left-field corner to score Uggla and Helms.
David Herndon comes in to record the third out, but not before Scott Cousins rips a double to score Maybin.
The Marlins score six runs and my dinner is coming back for an encore.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: CRIMINAL MINDS PART III
Special agents Prentiss and Reed are at Philadelphia Police Headquarters trying to identify the sock puppet evidence from the CBP crime scene.
Reed: "There's a lot of fecal matter here and the dye has bled in the material, but I think I can make out some letters: R-?-L-L-?-?-S
Prentiss:"Hey, here's a note!
"The Phillies are going down! Los Braves rule!
Signed, Nate Robinson
Prentiss: "I'm gonna call Agent Morgan to bring this guy in - he's got to be our unsub! He even pitched for the Marlins last year!"
Reed: "Yeah, but it seems odd to me that a Caucasian relief pitcher from the Marlins would use te expresssion Los Braves."
. . . TO BE CONTINEUD
Bottom 8th: PHI 10 - FLA 6.
During the golden age of baseball, teams would let up when they led 10-0 because old time ballparks and old-time baseballs didn't permit those kind of comebacks.
The golden age of baseball is gone and the Phils enter the home eighth leading with a 4-run lead and a depleted bullpen in a shooting gallery stadium.
Ross Gload tries to provide insurance, but comes up about 3 feet short with a double off the RF wall.
In typical 2010 Phillies fashion, Gload is stranded at second.
Top 9th: PHI 10 - FLA 6.
Ryan Madson is forced to enter the game when Herndon walks The World's Greatest Hitter in the World with one out. Madson uses eight pitches to close out the Marlins and prevent countless suicides on the Walt Whitman and Betsy Ross Bridges.
Final score: Phillies 10 - Marlins 6
Final score from Pittsburgh: Braves 9 - Pirates 3.
I am Don Pigeon and I am OUT!!!
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