Pre-game:
The Phils are sending Roy Oswalt against Jonathon Niese.
Niese brings a 3.85 ERA into the game, including 2 earned runs in 12 innings against the Phils in two starts.
In other words - to paraphrase Richie Ashburn - 'Somebody's hitting against him!"
Top 1st:
Shane Victorino (ground single), Placido Polanco (walk) and Chase Utley (RBI single) get the first inning off to a promising start for the Phils. But with runners at 1st and 3rd and the heart of the Phils order on deck, Niese realizes what he fogot to do in the Mets clubhouse.
The Mets rookie catches the toss-back from catcher Josh Thole and slips off his infielders mitt. Niese then pops open a ring that he wears at all times - and utters an odd phase:
"The Secret compartment in my ring I fill . . .
. . .with an Underdog Energy Vitamin Pill!
After slamming down the pink tablet, Niese feels a burst of power and adrenalin. He blows away Ryan Howard with 91-mph heat, then dazzles Jayson Werth and Raul Ibanez with 87-mph cutters.
K . . .K . . K and the side is retired.
As Niese skips back to the Mets dugout, he sings softly to himself . . .
When my Mets are in trouble, I am not slow . . .
For it's hip-hip-hip and away I go!!!
Top 3rd: PHI 1 - NYM 0
Niese fears that his Energy Pill may be wearing off as Placido Polanco smokes a double to the gap in center. Chase Utley taps a soft grounder to second for the second out, but Ryan Howard slaps a single up the middle to score Polanco.
Niese opens his ring again, only to see that the secret compartment is empty.
My pills are gone - I can't save the earth!
Why am I worried? It's just Jayson Werth!
Niese flutters an 0-2 curveball, and Werth chases it like a puppy chasing trash truck.
K - to end the inning.
Incidently, Roy Oswalt is mowing down Mets like he wants to get home for Sunday night football between the Dallas Cowboys and the Washington Redskins.
Top 5th: PHI 2 - NYM 0
Roy Oswalt isn't the only Phillie rushing so he can catch some opening day NFL football.
With no one on and two outs, Placido Polanco swings at a high first-pitch fastball.
Oswalt: "Yo, Polly! Could you let me get a little rest?
Polanco: "No way, baby! Gotta get me some Eagles-Packers at 4:15. I got Aaron Rodgers as my fantasy quarterback!"
Top 7th: PHI 2 - NYM 0
Jonathan Niese is feeling tired. The game is still within reach, but he somehow misplaced one of his energy pills. He prepares to face Raul Ibanez to start the inning - and conjures a rhyme.
"I'm starting to sweat and feel some chills. . .
I'll need some help to beat the Phils!
Niese has enough strength to push a fastball past Ibanez, but his next offering is at Raul's knees - which is Nirto Zone for a left-handed bat.
Carlos Beltran made a lot of Phils fans rejoice when he face-planted the Citizens Bank Park fence last month. Today, the centerfielder breathes a sigh of relief as Ibanez's laser streaks over the fence.
Bottom 9th: NYM 3 - PHI 0
Roy Oswalt enters the 9th inning having thrown 104 pitches. His third pitch to Jose Reyes is smashed off his right calf, resulting in a single for Reyes and 500,000 stopped hearts across Phillies Nation.
As trainer Scott Sheridan and manager Charlie Manual fumble through rosaries in hopes that Oswalt is not the latest victim of the Bobby Cox Voodoo Curse of 2010, Roy Oswat spots a pink tablet of some sort on the Citi Field mound alongside the rosin bag.
He swallows the tablet and a rhyme pops into his head:
"I don't care what the trainer says . .
I'll be all-right 'cause I LOVE PEZ!!!
Empowered by Jonanthon Niese's misplaced Underdog EngeryVitamin Pill, Oswalt jams Angel Pagan into a 1-6-3 double play and blows away Carlos Beltran on a 94-mph laser beam to end the game.
Final score: Phillies 3 - Mets 0
Braves to host St. Louis later tonight.
I am Don Pigeon and I am OUT!!!
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