As the 7:05 game time nears, Comcast pre-game host Marshall Harris offers the following teaser:
"For the Phils, Joe Blanton will try to match wits with Brett Myers on the mound!"
If this were about wits, the Saudi Arabia LLWS team could take out Myers in about 3 innings!
Top 1st: 0-0
After allowing a leadoff single to Michael Bourn on a nice sinker, Blanton paints the outside corner on his 1-2 pitch to Angel Sanchez.
BALL TWO
Sanchez takes advantage of home plate Scott Barry's miscue and singles to right, moving Bourn to 3rd.
Hunter Pence scores Bourn with a sacrifice fly to center. Carlos Lee follows with a gapper to center, but a great pair of throws by Victorino and Utley nail Sanchez at the plate.
Bottom 1st: HOU 1 - PHI 0
Aware that Myers has mastered his ADHD well enough to last 6 innings or more in each of his 25 starts in 2010, the Phils are determined to test the stamina - physical and mental - of their former teammate.
But as the Phils run deep 1st inning counts, a distrubing trend develops behind the plate.
Victorino: takes high 1-1 curve ball for strike 2
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: WIRED FOR SOUND
Prior to the game, Barry tracks Victorino down in the Phils dugout.
Barry: "Hey! Listen, my kids loved watching your brother play for the Sixers - can you maybe get his autograph?"
Victorino: "Um . . . I never had a brother play for the Sixers."
Barry:" Sure you did! You know . . . Shawn Bradley?"
With 2 outs, Chase Utley takes a 2-0 fastball outside for strike 1.
He then takes a 2-2 curve dead over the middle for ball 3.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: INSIDE THE WAR ROOM
Pigeon: "Hey,Honey!"
Bus Lady: Yeah, Don! Whaddaya want?"
Pigeon: "This is going to be a long one! Better not keep dinner warm!
Bus Lady: "Why, what's wrong?"
Pigeon:"We have THC* behind the plate tonight! I'm going to need the SZE** meter!"
*Tom Hallion Clone
** Strike Zone Error
Bus Lady: "See you tomorrow!"
Bottom 2nd: HOU 1 - PHI 0
With one out, Raul Ibanez takes Myers' first pitch outside for a strike (SZE 5)
Ibanez takes Myers' second pitch over the plate for a ball (SZE 6)
With the count 1-2, Myers decides to force Ibanez off the plate with a fastball high and inside.
Barry watches Ibanez duck to avoid behing hit by the pitch and punches him out looking (SZE 7)
TOM HALLION CLONE! NOPE! THIS JOKER'S GOING FOR THE TITLE!
Top 3rd: HOU 1 - PHI 0
2 outs: Blanton starts Angel Sanchez with an 87-mph fastball on the inside corner for ball one (SZE 8)
Bottom 3rd: HOU 1 - PHI 0
Shane "Pinky" Victorino and Placido "Brain" Polanco discuss how to rattle the astoundingly focused Brett Myers.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: CARTOON CLASSICS
Pinky: “OH BRAAIIN!” That Brett Myers is pitching oh so tough – NARF!! How ever will we be able to score against him?”
Brain: “I have solved the problem, my naïve Hawaiian sidekick!” Our former teammate has always struggled with ADHD, so I have instructed a lovely blonde to sit in the first row one seat to the left of home plate*.”
*That is not fiction - there really was a cute blond there! - DJP
Brain (continues): “When Carlos Ruiz comes to hit, the blond will distract our goat-bearded nemesis and our catcher will hit a HOME RUN!
Myers misses the plate twice before offering Ruiz an E.L. Fudge fastball inner-half.
Solo HR: Score tied 1-1
Victorino and Polanco high-five in the dugout.
As Myers tries to regain his focus, Blanton and Rollins slap singles to move runners to 2nd and 3rd (with the help of a Carlos Lee throwing error).
Victorino grounds to Myers as Blanton is forced out at home.
Utley clips a hanging curve from Myers into CF to give the Phils a 2-1 lead.
With the count 0-1, Howard takes a high/inside curve for strike 2 (SZE 9)
Top 4th: PHI 2 - HOU 1
Scott Barry was not the only umpire on crack during this game.
With 2 outs and the count 0-2, Chris Johnson checks his swing on a Blanton curve ball. The bat never even entered the strike zone, let alone pass completely through it.
First base umpire Greg Gibson calls Johnson out - then stares down the Astros third baseman with his best Harry Callaghan stare
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: CHILDHOOD MOVIE IDOLS
With his trademark role of Dirty Harry Callaghan, Clint Eastwood was easily my favorite actor of the 1970's
Magnum Force was my personal favoite Dirty Harry movie
"This is a .357 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world*. It holds 6 bullets, but in all that confusion I can't remember if I've shot 5 times or 6.
Today,this title belongs to the .50 caliber Desert Eagle. But the .357 had a nice ride - DJP
"Feeling lucky, punk?"
Bottom 4th: PHI 2 - HOU 1
Barry commits SZE 10,11,12
Top 5th: PHI 2 - HOU 1
With the count 1-2 to Astro first baseman Brian Wallace, Blanton paints the outside corner with a fastball.
Barry calls BALL 2 (SZE 13)
Tom McCarthy: "That wasn't a bad pitch."
Gary 'Sarge' Matthews: "That was a pretty good pitch for Blanton."
In broadcast lingo, this is code for THE UMPIRE IS ON CRACK!!!
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: THE KING IS DEAD
February 20, 2010 - Buster Douglas overcomes prohibitive odds (35-1) to defeat previously undefeated champion Mike Tyson by knockout in the 10th round of their championship fight in Tokyo, Japan.
August 23, 2010 - Scott Barry overcomes prohibitive odds to defeat previously undefeated champion of umpiring incompetence Tom Hallion in the fifth inning of his National League baseball game in Philadephia, PA.
Before the night is over, Scott Barry will misjudge 25 called balls and strikes out of 159 opportunities*
*Defined as pitches where the batter did not swing
Bottom 6th: PHI 2 - HOU 1
The Phils appear ready to extend their lead as Jayson Werth doubles off the LF wall with one out. The ball could have been a triple, but a fan touched the ball and Astros leftfielder Carlos Lee stops trying to play the ball.
Where is Tom Hallion when you need him? That idiot likes to give ground-rule triples.
GP - 8/14/10
Myers fans Ibanez for the second out of the inning,and then the Astros elect to intentionally walk Carlos Ruiz in favor of facing Wilson Valdez.
But after the fourth intentional ball is thrown - amazingly, Barry didn't call any strikes in the sequence - Houston catcher Humberto Quintero notices a sleepy man standing alongside second base.
Quintero makes a routine throw to second, and the Geico Caveman Doppelganger is tagged out to end the inning.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: LAW AND ORDER
Mr. Werth: You are hereby charged with aggravated ignorance, negligent game-slaughter and stupidity with malice! How do you plead??
Werth: Uuuuhhhhhh . . .Uuuuhhhhhh . . . Uuuuhhhhh . . .zzzzzzZZZZZZZZZ
F. Lee Bailey: Your Honor, my client pleads NO CONTEST
Mr. Werth: The commonwealth of Pennsylvania remands you to the Raspberry Ridge Sheep Farm at Bangor, PA – where you will be incarcerated and all of your cranial and facial hair will be shorn.
Werth: “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”
Top 8th: PHI 2 - HOU 1
Former Pat Burrell wingman and Phillies reject Jason Michaels leads off the eighth by taking a tough Ryan Madson pitch the oppostive way for a single.
Michael Bourn follows with a bunt along the first base line. Ryan Howard makes a herculean effort to tag Bourn, but the fleet outfielder scampers well out of the base line to elude the tag.
Naturally, Gibson calls him safe, saying that Bourn established a baseline and somehow remained within 3 feet of it.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: THE RULES OF BASEBALL
Rule 7.08 (a) (1)
In attempting to get around a fielder who has the ball waiting to make the tag, the runner must not run more than 3 feet to either side of a line that goes between him and the base he is advancing to. It he does, he is out.
Unless the Obama administration has legislated that 3 feel now equals 72 inches instead of the 36 inches I grew up with, Bourn was EASILY beyond the allowable limit from the line established by his first steps from the batters box.
Only two human beings seem to feel otherwise.
First place umpire Greg Gibson
Comcast post-game analyst Darren Daulton
I stand corrected: ONE HUMAN BEING.
Darren: The mother ship has come to bring you home now!
Carlos Lee delivers the fatal blow with a 2-run, 2-out broken bat single to left field. Again, Madson made a good pitch, but superior luck or skill rested with the opposing hitter.
Final score: Astros 3 - Phillies 2
Final score from Denver: Rockies 5 - Braves 4
I am Don Pigeon and I am OOUUUTTTT!!
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