Top 1st: 0-0
The game begins as Roy Oswalt fires a fat 90-mph fastball over middle of the plate. Andres Torres slams it to right for a leadoff double.
There’s nothing worse than a 90-mph fastball down the middle to the leadoff hitter . . . except for an 82-mph changeup down the middle to the guy batting second. Parker – I, mean – Buster Posey rips the Oswalt cripple past a diving Polanco for an RBI single.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: MLB PLAYERS WITH BEST ACTRESS NAMES
3rd place – Parker – I, mean – Buster Posey, SF Giants: Actually, Parker Posey sounds less corny than Buster Posey
2nd place - Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay Rays: Longoria was the top seed in this contest; after all, his name differs from the Desperate Housewives temptress by ONE EXTRA CONSENANT. But upsets are the charm of all major tournaments, so tonight’s winner is . . .
CHAMPION – Yorvit Torrealba, San Diego Padres: When Torrealba (pronounced Torri Alba) smoked the Phillies as the Rockies star of the moment during the 2009 divisional series, I relieved stress by calling him “Jessica Alba’s little sister”.
That will never stop being funny to me.
With runners on 1st and 3rd, Aubrey Huff reads Chris Wheeler’s mind and slaps a Spalding Guide double-play grounder to Utley (WELCOME BACK!!) who turns the 4-6-3.
Oswalt simply needs to retire the aged Pat Burrell to escape with a 1-0 deficit.
The prodigal Phillies slugger steps to home plate as fans clap and former nightclub dance partners - mostly women ages 35-40 - hold signs with pieces of wisdom like:
“Still the Bat Man!”
I take a sip of iced tea and nearly destroy my lap-top with saliva spray as the DeMartini baseball bat commercial flashes across my head
DeMartini: The Bat that Bends!
Pitch one: 93-mph fastball up in the zone. Burrell unleashes a 91-mph swing and fouls the pitch into the screen
Pitch two: 73-mph curve. Burrell wants to swing but his stiff joints won’t let him pull the trigger. Count 1-1
Pitch three: Inexplicable, Inexcusable 82-mph change-up across Burrell’s belt buckle that soars majestically in front of Burrell’s 50-foot smiling picture on the CBP video screen.
Pat Burrell has always had one of the slowest swing triggers in major league baseball. The man stood no chance of hitting an inside fastball. Whoever called that pitch should be smacked with a cane.
Since the Comcast cameraman (woman?) couldn’t take his/her eyes off Pat Burrell as Carolos Ruiz gave Oswalt his first set of signs, the world will never know if Ruiz called a changeup or Oswalt shook off signals until Ruiz went against his better judgment.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: YOUR LOCAL WEATHER
7:10 – Pat Burrell steps to home plate. Citizen’s Bank Park temperature is 84 degrees.
7:11 – Pat Burrell crushes solo home run. Citizen’s Bank Park temperature spikes to 89 degrees as 15,000 menopausal fans experience simultaneous hot flashes.
7:12 – Pat Burrell re-enters Giant dugout. 15,000 menopausal fans check the scoreboard and ask their husbands how the score became 2-0. Citizen’s Bank Park temperature is again 84 degrees.
Bottom 1st: SF 2 – PHI 0
With one out and Chase Utley on first following a fielder’s choice, Placido Polanco sends a dribbler to deep short. Shortstop Juan Uribe tries to force Utley at second, but Utley beats the play. Polanco is credited with an infield single.
Jayson Werth begins his plate appearance doing what he does best – running deep counts with runners on base. But the soon-to-be free agent continues his mystifying impotence against left-handed pitchers by fouling off an 85-mph cookie and scooping a 75-mph candy bar to SF first baseman Aubrey Huff.
Deep within the Phillie clubhouse, a cell phone buzzes as a text message arrives.
From pburrell:
To: geicocavmn
“Meet me on South Street after game. We’ll get that impotence thing cleared up.”
Bottom 4th: SF 2 – PHI 0
As the inning begins, Tom McCarthy remarks about the smooth start by Giant starter Barry Zito.
In typical blind squirrel fashion, second-string color analyst Gary Matthews nails his next comment.
“Zito is one of those pitchers who relies on you to get yourself out, either with bad mechanics or by swinging at bad pitches.”
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: CLASSIC TV MOMENTS
Listening to Sarge’s rare sentient moment, I’m reminded of the House episode where Hugh Laurie brings John Larroquette out of a 17-year coma – temporarily – so he can cure another patient.
The show produced one of the best one-liners in the history of dry television humor.
Larroquette: I-P-O-D . . . hey, what’s an iPod?*
Like a jeopardy Daily Double, the humor here can only be appreciated if you see the clip. Larroquette pronounces the Apple musical device with a short-I, as in igloo. Freaking priceless!
Polonco - who seems to have learned his lesson after his debacle against R.A. Dickey last Friday night – dumps a humpback liner into right field for a lead-off single.
After two at-bats, Polanco has himself a pair of singles.
As the 2nd baseman rounds circles back to 1st following the hit, a solitary shout of ‘Right On!’ can be heard from the vicinity of left field.
Following a fly-out to center by Werth, and another text message to Werth’s cell phone, Shane Victorino comes to the plate.
With the count 1-1, Victorino dives across the plate at a 74-mph Zito slopball. The ensuing loss of balance produces a weak grounder to third, and slowed Victorino enough that the Giants could pull a 5 . . . . . 4 . . . . . 3 double play.
Bottom 5th: SF 2 – PHI 0
Sweeney puts a perfect swing on a Zito slider for a leadoff single to center.
Ibanez then tries to pull an outside Zito fastball and sends a can of corn to left for the first out. I’m left wondering why Ben Francisco isn’t playing left to give Ibanez a rest against the crafty lefthander.
The reinstatement of Chase Utley into the Phils batting order instantly makes Carlos Ruiz the most dangerous number-eight hitter in the National League.
Ruiz works a 3-2 count, and then swings at a ridiculously high Zito fastball. Following Victorino’s footsteps, Ruiz looses his balance and clips Posey with the end of his bat*
*Ruiz can certainly identify with Posey at this point, having suffered a backswing bonk on June 18 that landed him on the 15-day DL.
Giant trainers come out to assist Posey, who seems startled but not seriously hurt.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: WIRED FOR SOUND
Trainer: You took quite a jolt there! Mind if I ask you a few questions just to eliminate any problems?
Posey: Sure! What do you want to know!
Trainer: Where are we?
Posey: Citizen’s Bank Park in Philly!
Trainer: What is your last name?
Posey: My name’s Posey, sir!
Trainer: What is your first name?
Posey: My name’s Parker, sir!
The trainer reports back to manager Bruce Bochy.
Bochy: How’s my catcher?
Trainer: Not too bad. Thinks his first name’s Parker. Sounds manlier than Buster!
Matthews: “That really rings your bell when the bat hits your helmet”
I can see John Larroquette slipping back into that coma now . . .
Ruiz forces Zito to throw 10 pitches before drawing a walk to put runners on 1st and 2nd.
After a pair of foul bunt attempts produce an 0-2 count, Oswalt drops a clutch sacrifice to the mount that moves the runners to 2nd and 3rd.
Rollins then snaps an 84-mph hanger into left-center to draw the Phils even at 2-2.
Just as I enter the afterglow seeing my team tie a critical game with a two-out hit, my reverie is interrupted by the following sound:
Blach-blach-blach-blach-blach-KERSPLAT!
Maddie, the family cat, deposited the fur she licked during the entire Mets series onto my bathroom floor.
You have good timing, Maddie. After the Victorino double-play, that move could have been fatal.
Bottom 6th: PHI 2 – SF 2
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS PERALS OF WISDOM
Garry Matthews: “Having runners on base will put a little more pressure on pitchers.”
Don Pigeon: “A steady intake of oxygen promotes longer life.”
Polanco drops the barrel of the bat onto a Zito curveball for a line single to right.
The human bobble head now has now collected three singles.
Burrell is annoyed that his wingman is having a better night than him.
McCarthy mentions that Polanco is 12-for-16 in his career against Barry Zito.
So why the hell did he look so bad against R.A. Dickey last Friday?
Werth apparently had ‘that awkward talk’ with his doctor before coming to the plate in the 6th. The GEICO caveman doppelganger crushes a liner toward the line in left for a double. Polanco holds at 3rd.
Pearls of Wisdom II
Gary Matthews: “You want to win the first game of a series to set the tone!”*
Herman Edwards: “YOU PLAY . . . TO WIN . . . THE GAME!!”
Don Pigeon: “Don’t you want to win EVERY GAME that you play?”
*I swear to God I heard Sarge say this live, but after spending 20 minutes frying my DVR to find the remark again, I’m forced to punt and stick the reference here. It’s just too good to waste!
Victorino lines a base hit to the left-field gap to give the Phillies a 4-2 lead!
In a rare moment of intelligent base running for the loveable ADHD outfielder from Hawaii, Victorino observes that 2nd base isn’t covered and stretches the hit into a double.
I have the sinking feeling that Bizarro Superman just took down a jet-liner
Giant reliever Santiago Casilla – think Ronald Belasario without the entitlement and childish temper – comes in to squelch the threat.
Bottom 7th: PHI 4 – SF 2
Pearls of Wisdom III
Chris ‘the Naked Emperor’ Wheeler:”This Casilla really has a good arm!”
Don Pigeon: “Having a good arm is one of the most effective ways to become a major league pitcher.”
Polanco lines a Casilla fastball to center for his another base hit.
Four singles for Polanco!
Another cell phone buzzes in the Phillies clubhouse:
From pburrell:
To: bobblehd27
“Keep your package IN YOUR PANTS!!! This . . . is . . . MY TOWN!!!
Bottom 8th: PHI 4 – SF 3 (Real Time – 7:30 AM EST – 8/18/10 – Downingtown Base)
Cave of Insanity Mission Control: “Father Time to Pigeonator – DO YOU READ??”
DJP: “This is Pigeonator – OVER!”
COIMC: “You’re coming up on deadline at 7:00 – advise you employ time-saving measures”
DJP: “Roger that – switching to time-saving mode!”
Shane Victorino hits a lead-off single and steals second base.
Mike Sweeney draws a walk
Ibanez singles to right to load the bases.
Carlos the Beast Ruiz slams a double off the left-field wall to make the score 6-3
Rollins smacks a grounder past the drawn-in infield to make the score 7-3.
Philadelphia 7 – San Francisco 3.
I like the sound of that. Reminds me that football season* is just around the corner.
If you were born and raised in the Phila region and you become a Cowboy fan because the Eagles sucked from 1972-1976: STAY OUT OF MY BLOG!!!!! Natives of the Dallas-Fort Worth region are welcome to stay: Donald J. Pigeon 8/18/10
Chase Utley steps to the plate.
A female fan holds a sign that reads: “The Chase is back on!” A heart appears below the text.
This fan is not menopausal . . . ggggggrrrrrrr!!!
SF reliever Ramon Ramirez is so shaken by Utley’s return that he balks while trying to pick-off Rollins at 1st. The runners advance – Ruiz comes home to make the score 8-3
An orgasm of defensive incompetence then erupts as Ramirez uncorks a wild pitch to move Rollins to third. Mike Fontenot woopsies Utley’s little league ground ball and sends a missile into the right-field fan barrier. The second baseman is inexplicably charged with only one error.
Final score: Phillies 9 – Giants 3.
This is shaping up to be an awesome night! The Phils get a huge win and the Braves were losing 2-0 last time I checked!
Final score: Braves 10 – Nationals 2 ???
Lesson learned: If you want the roaches chased out of your house – don’t count on the fly-by-night exterminator! Get a bomb and deal with the mess yourself!!
I am Don Pigeon and I AM OUT!!!!
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