Top 1st: 0-0
The game begins as I make a cricket run to Petsmart for my son’s bearded dragon. Radio commentator Larry Anderson has the flu, so Garry Matthews is restricted to radio duty.
This means, I get to enjoy 180 minutes of the Naked Emperor on Channel 17!
As Little Pigeon says when I tell him school starts in 10 days: JOYEST!
Blanton has allowed 20 first-inning runs in 19 starts – his official 1st inning ERA is 8.53
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: MYSTERY QUESTIONS OF LIFE
Why would a veteran pitcher like Blanton have the third highest 1st inning ERA in the majors?
Why would two guys with a 1st inning ERA worse than Blanton’s still be employed in the majors?
Giant centerfielder Andres Torres steps to the plate, bringing with him 18 career home runs and a lifetime seasonal (162 game) average of 11 home runs.
Torres smokes a grounder that is clearly foul. Just in case folks orbiting in the International Space Station have doubts, 1st base umpire Larry Vanover dances and points like he’s fighting a losing battle with stomach flu.
Wheeler: “(Vanover’s) a good umpire. He’s been around a long time; he’s a good guy.”
Longevity does not equal competence, Chris . . . you’ve been doing Phillies telecasts since 1977!
The end table clock in the Cave of Insanity reads 7:11 PM.
Self-therapy: “Hang in there, Don! You can endure 179 more minutes of The Emperor.”
Desperate to avoid walking Torres, Blanton serves some 89-mph Napalm to the titanic outfielder. The ball lands beyond the second deck AT&T sign in right field.
BABE RUTH could have took that pitch yard
I apologize for that unfounded, knee-jerk reaction.
Babe Ruth is dead.
YOGI BERRA could have taken that pitch yard.
Bottom 1st: SF 1 – PHI 0.
Umpires Jeff Kellogg, Larry Vanover, Jeff Nelson and Mark Carlson meet at 2nd base to review the ground rules of Citizen’s Bank Park.
Wheeler: “That’s a good idea to do that between innings if you’re not sure about something.”
Good point, Chris. It’s not as if these guys worked a game here LAST NIGHT or anything.”
7:20 PM – I feel like a runner who cramps up 10 minutes into the Boston Marathon.
Top 2nd – SF 1 – PHI 0
Tom McCarthy and the Emperor discuss the role of starting pitching in the Phils’ recent 19-5 run.
Wheeler: “If you can’t pitch and you don’t have a starting rotation that can take you deep into games; YOU . . . WILL . . . LOSE!”
Keep working it Chris! Sarah Palin might hire a speech writer in 2012!
Mike Fontenot – still suffering Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from last night’s eighth inning – manages to make Joe Blanton’s 88-mph fastball look like a Stephen Strasburg 100-mph fastball.
Bottom 2nd: SF 1 – PHI 0
Carlos the Beast Ruiz hammers a Matt Cain fastball to the warning track in left. Feeling invincible, Ruiz motors around second and goes into a slide as third base coach Sam Perlazzo goes into a seizure.
As the winded Ruiz stands doubled-over at third following his epic sprint, Joe Blanton comes to bat against Matt Cain.
“Hey Joe, since your catcher is tired at the moment, you might want to think about take – “
Cowboy Joe pumps Matt Cain’s first pitch to Pablo Sandoval at 3rd for the final out.
“– or that.”
Top 3rd: SF 1 – PHI 0
As Parker, er, Buster Posey pops to Utley for out number two, McCarthy notes that besides Posey’s Giant’s jersey, there is very little for Phillies fans to dislike about the Giant catcher.
I agree . . . sort of. . Unless the jersey Posey wears reads METS or BRAVES, it is unlikely that Posey’s sheer clothing will make me hate him.
But the name Buster Posey really GRINDS MY GEARS!
I mean what horrible name must be on this kid’s birth certificate that he would want to be called BUSTER???
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: What’s in a name?
Buster Posey’s full name is apparently Gerald Demp Posey III
OK, Donald Joseph Pigeon is pretty weak as names go, but being stuck with the Pigeon surname my Dad did the best he could. Especially since I was the fourth of three planned offspring and all of the relevant family names had been exhausted
Donald – My mother’s favorite Priest at St. Francis of Assisi church is Norristown: Decided to marry and was excommunicated from Roman Catholic Church.
Joseph – My mother’s 2nd favorite Priest at St. Francis of Assisi: Also decided to marry and was excommunicated from Roman Catholic Church.
I guess it’s no surprise I worship at a Baptist church today.
Bottom 3rd: SF 1 – PHI 0
Rollins starts the inning with a laser to right field for a triple.
Wheeler: “He got that triple out of the box. He smelled it as soon as he hit it.”
By the Emperor’s standards, this is good analysis. But Wheeler seems amazed every time a Phillie runs hard out of the batter’s box.
I thought that’s what you’re supposed to do when you hit a baseball.
Polanco strands Rollins at 3rd by lifting a fly ball toward strong-armed Giant right fielder Jose Guillen. But Chase Utley picks him up with a simple little grounder to 2nd to tie the game.
Bottom 4th: PHI 1 – SF 1
Jayson Werth leads off by slamming a 79-mph hanger to left for a single.
Victorino grounds out 2nd for out number one
Ross Gload grounds out to 2nd for –
Mike Fontenot starts hearing the screams again and kicks Gload’s beer-league grounder into right field. Gload is safe at first while Werth moves to third.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: SPOUSAL AFFIRMATION
While the Bus Lady has not opposed this literary venture, she hasn’t been overly enthusiastic about my skipping household chores to chronicle the Phils every night.
But I experienced a breakthrough when she made her first contribution to this page:
Bus Lady: “They should call that guy Mike Fonten-NOT”
I love you, honey
Carlos the Beast puts a smart swing on a decent Cain curve ball for an RBI single to left!
Seriously, Carlos Ruiz is a BEAST. He can handle pitchers, catch a Brad Lidge slider in the dirt, throw out base stealers, drive in go-ahead runs, AND he can recite the Gettysburg Address without using a single consonant!
But the rally is looking bleak as Jimmy Rollins steps to the plate with two outs and two aboard.
After all, the great Joe Morgan said on Sunday night that even when Chase Utley and Ryan Howard return to the lineup, the Phillies will still struggle due to Rollins’ .210 left-handed batting average.
Naturally, Rollins sends a 2-2 slider into the right-field bleachers for a 5-1 Phillies lead! Rollins is now 3-for-3.
Joe Morgan should be forced to watch this game on a water-board at Guantanamo Bay.
Top 6th: PHI 5 – SF 1.
After his 1st inning struggles, Blanton puts on an impressive performance . . .
Until Pat Burrell bats with two outs and the bases empty . . .
Blanton tosses some E.L. Fudge to Burrell . . .
Say what you like about Pat Burrell . . . the man knows what to do with a cookie. He sends a 415-foot home run to dead-center.
Looking for a way to vent my anger in the Cave of Insanity, I spot my hand-me-down IPod and spike it to the ground like DeSean Jackson crossing the one-yard line.
Magically, the display lights up and an adorable brunette stares at me from the album cover . . .
PITCHED TO BURRELL (by Roy Oswalt and Joe Blanton: with apologies to Katy Perry)
The Giants come to town tonight!
Can’t . . . stop my dreaming!
He looks so HOT in number nine!
Can’t . . . wait to squeeze him!
He can’t hit . . . a fastball
Must . . . throw it nice and slow
Right over . . . the middle
See . . . just how far it goes
Chorus:
I PITCHED TO BURRELL AND I LIKED IT
HOPE PHILLIES FANS DON’T MIND IT
THAT MAN WENT YARD – CAN’T DENY IT
SOME CHICK IS GONNA FIND IT
MAN THAT BALL WENT FAR
MAN HIS BUTT IS TIGHT
DON’T MEAN WE WON’T WIN TONIGHT
I PITCHED TO BURRELL AND I LIKED I-IT!
Now I know how Little Pigeon feels when he scores a TACTICAL NUKE in Call of Duty Modern Warfare!
He usually turns off the XBOX right there because he can’t possibly top that moment.
Who says parents can’t learn from their kids?
Final score: Phillies 8 – Giants 2
Final score from Atlanta: Braves 3 – Nationals 2
Keep running Cox!
You know we will catch you!
You know we will break you!
You just don’t know the date . . . so sleep well!
I am Don Pigeon and I AM OUT!!!!
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