EPISODE V
THE DICKEY STRIKES BACK
It is a dark time for the Phillies. Although the Douche-Star* has been destroyed, National League rivals have driven the Phillies from Citizens Bank Park and pursued them across the I-95 corridor.
Evading the dreaded Atlanta Braves, a group of freedom fighters led by Cole Hamels has established a new secret base on the remote trash world of Flushing
The evil Lord Cox, obsessed with finding young Hamels, has dispatched thousands of junk-ballers into the far reaches of Major League Baseball.
Top 1st: 0-0
Rollins leads off with the momentum of a .307 home-stand beneath his wings. But his AB is doomed when he takes the Matt Stairs back-leg approach and tries to pull a pair of 75-mph outer-half meatballs (swing-miss, foul over 3b dugout). Rollins adjusts and takes a third garbage knuckler to left, but Reyes-
OMG this is going to hurt . . . but I’m going to take it like a man!
-makes a great diving play to his – AAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! – right and guns Rollins down at first
Now I know what my first prostate exam is going to feel like.
When Jose Reyes sets his mind to it – he’s nearly as good as he thinks he is!
Polanco follows by trying to pull a 75-mph outer-half meatball, and like Rollins before him, fouls the pitch over opposite field dugout. He then swings through a 78-mph (fastball? Not enough movement to be the knuckler) before going down trying to pull another outer-half knuckler
The Naked Emperor* comments that it’s a beautiful night to play baseball – 78 degrees with low humidity.
*Phillies color analyst Chris Wheeler
I wish Placido Polanco had played some baseball just now.
With the count 0-2, Ibanez ducks away from a 69-mph inside pitch.
Someone must have left spoiled meat in the Phillies dugout – Chase Utley can be heard muttering something about a maggot.
Ibanez ends the inning by pulling off an 81-mph fastball that should have been sent to the gap in right.
Thank heaven the AC works in the Pigeon household tonight! – The Cave of Insanity is going to be a pretty warm place!
Sith Lord Bobby Cox, continuing his quest for Cole Hamels, dispatches thousands of junk-ballers across the galaxy, one of which lands on Flushing and begins its survey of the planet. Hamels, on patrol astride his Harley, discovers the junk-baller, which he mistakes for a MLB pitcher. After reporting to comrade Chase Utley, he is knocked unconscious by a deadly K-Rod creature.
When Cole does not come back to Flushing Base, Utley goes out on his Harley to search for him in an encroaching storm. Upon waking up, Cole finds himself hanging upside down in a Crack House; his eyes opening to the sight of another Met pitcher chopping his Harley. Using the Force, Cole is able to pull his Louisville Slugger towards himself. After he equips it, he frees himself and cuts off the attacking pitcher’s arm, running out of the cave; and escaping into the cold rain of Flushing.
Cole tries to make his way to Citi Field on foot, but he finds himself caught in a thunderstorm and collapses in the rain. Suddenly, he sees the Force ghost of Obi Wan Bruntlett appear before him. Eric tells Cole to go to Clearwater to undergo training under Jamie Moyer, a Lefty Grand Master
Top 2nd: 0-0
As Mike Sweeney steps to the plate, a close-up shows Donald Trump in the front row on the first base side of home plate.
WTF??? Donald Trump . . . cheering for the Mets?? I always pegged you for a Yankee fan. You have lost some major props in the Cave of Insanity
Mike Sweeney knows how to approach his Dickey . . . nope, those jokes don’t work if the Phils aren’t getting hits . . . as he sends a 73-mph hanger past short, but Reyes is right-place-right-time to make another diving catch.
After trying to go Matt Stairs on an outside knuckleball, Werth engages his brain and employs a perfect compact stroke to smash a liner past first. But like Reyes, Mike Hessman employs the Biff Tannen defense to retire Werth.
GOING PIGEON BASEBALL GLOSSARY
BIFF TANNEN DEFENSE – Defensive strategy where fielders use time travel to watch opponents offensive highlights – a la Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II - then return to the present where they can stand where the ball is going to be hit. Invented by Eric Bruntlett on 8/23/09 during a Phillies-Mets game, the strategy resulted in a game-ending triple play off the bat of Jeff Francoeur.
Cole lands on the swamp forest Clearwater, crashing his Hummer in the process. There, he discovers a diminutive and eccentric figure who fiddles around with Cole's glove. After Cole tells him that he is looking for a Lefty Master, the being offers to take Cole to Jamie.
Jamie: “Ready are you? What know you of ready? For eight hundred years have I trained Lefties. My own counsel will I keep on who is to be trained. A Lefty must have the deepest commitment, the most serious mind. This one a long time have I watched. All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Hmm? What he was doing. Hmph. A hot wife. Heh. Endorsements. Heh. A Lefty craves not these things. You are reckless.”
Top 3rd: 0-0
Wilson Valdez draws a 1-out walk. Needing to bunt Valdez over to second, Hamels dinks the first pitch foul in front of home plate foul and then bloops the second to Dickey, who makes on effortless catch for the second out.
Jamie: Young Pedi wan . . . Bunt the knuckleball
Cole: All right, I'll give it a try.
Jamie: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.
Cole tries and fails repeatedly to bunt the knuckleball until slamming the bat down in disgust. Jamie than grabs the bat and spins a perfect bunt that hugs the third-base line – stopping one-inch shy of the bag.
Cole: I don’t . . . I don’t believe it!
Jamie: That is why you fail.
Bottom 3rd: 0-0
Close-up shows NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg seated behind home plate. Can’t really blame him – man’s gotta kiss-up to the Flushing voters too!
Top 4th: 0-0
Polonco ducks from 77-mph Dickey slop-ball aimed for his thigh. Chase Utley seems increasingly agitated with the maggot in the Phils dugout. Polanco strikes-out on a knuckler that’s easily a foot outside.
As Tom McCarthy brags about the Phillies intelligent approach to Dickey in their 8/7 meeting at CBP, Raul Ibanez leaps off his feet to chase a 72-mph belt-high hanger. Every male and two of the females on the West Pharma softball team would have sent that pitch off the wall, but Ibanez manages a pop-up to the catcher.
Bottom 5th: 0-0
Active minor-league home-run king and major-league washout Mike Hessman leads off the inning with a blast that appears to be touched by a fan just in front of the orange stripe that ends the playable surface of Citi Field
Forgetting that part of his job description is to hustle toward a deep fly ball for just such an occurrence, third-base umpire Lance Barksdale stays at his normal position and makes the easier call of HOME-RUN.
Charlie Manuel argues convincingly enough to trigger a meeting among the umpires, led by crew-chief Tom Hallion.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS MIS-MATCHED JOB TITLES:
SWAT COMMANDER: Barney Fife
SPEECH THERAPIST: Charlie Manuel
CREW CHIEF: Tom Hallion
Tom Hallion is not worthy to be employed as a major league umpire, let alone be the chief of a major-league umpiring crew.
In my 35-years of watching major-league baseball is the most indecisive and incompetent man ever to wear umpiring blue. Seriously, watch this man work home plate sometime – the strike zone changes . . . ON . . . EVERY . . . PITCH!!!
The commanders of the Imperial Army retreat to the bowls of their Citi Field Headquarters to resolve the dilemma of the disputed call.
*Editorial note: The characters in this conversation never appeared together in a Star Wars film – but since I’m already PISSED, nor am I getting paid for this I really don’t give a FART!
Jar-Jar Binks: Meesa look High in de sky and saw the ball fly REEEALL FAR!!!
Jabba the Hut: The rules of baseball say I should have ran toward the wall to get a better look, but I make my own rules so I stayed where I was.
Lando Calrissian: Well we do have a problem, look there on the film; the ball was clearly touched before the orange stripe. Jar-Jar, you can’t rule this a home run – the resulting unrest could threaten the stability of the Empire
Jar-Jar Binks: Meesa fix de problem!!! Meesa say that Mike Hessman be awarded third base because he hit de ball REEEALL FAR!!!
Lando Calrissian: But Jar-Jar, there is no such thing in the rules of baseball as a GROUND-RULE TRIPLE. The proper ruling options are a HOME-RUN or a GROUND-RULE DOUBLE!!
Jabba the Hut: I have powerful friends, Lando. The Rebel Alliance will accept the generous ruling of a triple . . . if they wish to avoid further bloodshed.
Crew-chief Tom Hallion – that phase rolls of the tongue like “Hey, honey! Instead of watching the Eagles season opener; let’s check out La Boehme at the Kimmel Center!” – emerges from the bowels of Citi Field and awards Mike Hessman* a GROUND-RULE TRIPLE.
Radio commentators Scott Franskie and Larry Anderson suggested that the umpires felt Hessman would have reached third had Ibanez played the carom without protest. I am a 44-year-old accountant who has never run 100-yards in under 13 seconds and I had my right ACL replaced in Jan, 2009. I’m pretty sure that I could beat Mike Hessman from home-to-third. - DJP
As the game enters the home sixth, Chase and company find themselves betrayed by Milt Thompson who was approached by the Empire before the Phillies arrival and threatened him and the city of Philadelphia unless he cooperated. They became the captives of Darth Cox, who proceeds to torture Chase to create a disturbance in the Force for Cole to detect.
Later, Cox enters a carbon-freezing chamber intending to freeze Cole Hamels once he arrives. The Dark Lord uses the opportunity for Jose Reyes to deliver Utley to K-Rod by testing the device on Utley himself. Chase and company enter the chamber for the experiment. At first, the Phanatic resists the stormtroopers, but Chase restrains him, saving his strength for another time. Chase says goodbye to Princess Miley Cyrus with a passionate kiss before he is escalated into the carbon freezing chamber.
Cole makes his way to Flushing safely. He quietly walks down the corridors of Citi Field. He spots Jose Reyes who is taking the now-frozen Utley back to his ship. He attempts to follow but is thwarted when the shortstop notices and hurls used baseballs at him.
Cole narrowly escapes and runs down farther into the corridor. He finally meets up with Miley, Phanatic, and Milt, who have been captured by stormtroopers. He tries to ambush the group of Imperials, but is unsuccessful. Miley yells at him and tells him that "it's a trap!" Cole runs after his captured friends, hoping to save them, but wanders into the carbon-freezing chamber. There, he meets with Cox and the two fight in an epic Louisville Slugger duel, where Cole's undeveloped Jedi skills are no match for the Sith Lord
Bottom 6th: 0-0
With two outs and the bases empty, Cole Hamels prepares to strikeout David Wright to end the inning.
Darth Cox: Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Wan Bruntlett has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.
Hamels fires a 90-mph middle-in fastball that is no match for the bat speed of David Wright. 2009 Gold Glove outfielder Shane Victorino lapses into Domonic Brown mode and misplays the ball into a double.
Darth Cox: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. (He pauses)
Darth Cox: Cole, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the NL East.
Cole: I'LL NEVER JOIN YOU!!!
In his rage, Hamels fires a 92-mph fastball middle-in, which Carlos Beltran crushes off the left field wall to drive in the only run of the game.
Darth Cox: You are beaten, Cole. It is useless to resist. Don't let yourself be destroyed as Obi-Wan did.
Final score: NY Mets 1 – PHI 0
I am Don Pigeon and I am OUT!!!
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