Top 1st: 0-0
Under humid conditions and changeable skills in South Philadelphia, the Phillies host the Nationals in the rubber game of their 3-game weekend series.
Chris 'the Naked Emperor' Wheeler is moved to pontificate:
Wheeler: "It's really important to win series as we move into the latter part of the season"
Pigeon: "Of course! The August games count so much more in the standings than the ones played in May!"
As Roy Oswalt catches Adam Dunn looking for the 2nd out of the inning, MyPhilly17 lists the umpiring crew in a corner graphic. The home plate umpire is Chris Guccione.
Any relation to Penthouse founder Bob Guccione?
Bottom 1st: 0-0
As a left-handed phenom for the Florida Marlins in the earl 2000's, National starter Kris Olsen used to bring some attitude in his starts against the Philllies.
But toiling for the Nationals has beaten the spirit out of him; kind of like the Jack Nicholson character in 'One Flew over the Cukoo's Nest '- after his lobotomy.
Rollins violates the GOING PIGEON code of baseball by swinging at the first pitch, but he guesses right and sends a rocket to the gap in left-center field for a double.
Raul Ibanez - in a hunch start against the left-handed Olsen - chases a high change-up and grounds weakly to short.
Charlie Manuel jump-started Ibanez's season by platooning him with Ben Francisco during July. But the lovable skipper seems to have forgotten that rest and right-handed pitching awoke Ibanez's hitting. He's been starting Ibanez against more lefties in August - with predictable results.
Placido 'the Brain' Polanco lifts a fly ball to center to bring home Rollins with the game's first run.
During a lull in the action, the Emperor mentions that longtime umpire Gerry Crawford is officiating his final regular season game in Philadelphia.
Wheeler: "When I was first getting started in this business, I used to go out with (umpires) after the games. I learned so much about their end of the business. Their job is difficult and I always give them the benefit of the doubt."
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS - HERIDITY VS. ENVIRONMENT
1893-94: British Nobel laureate Rudyard Kipling publishes the Jungle Book series of illustrated magazine articles - which is later adatped into a classic Walt Disney animated feature. The stories center around a young orphan named Mowgli, who is raised by wolves in the jungles of India. He grows to become a protector of Indian wildlife
1912: American author Edgar Rice Burroughs publishes his seminal classic Tarzan of the Apes. The novel centers around John Clayton, who is orphaned ias an infant n the jungles of equitorial Africa. He is raised by apes and eventual becomes their king when he kills their tribal leader in combat.
1977: Chris Wheeler joins the Philadelphia Phillies broadcast team. Alienated by veteran announcers Harry Kalas and Richie Ashburn, Wheeler is taught the game by a rouge band of MLB umpires. He grows to become an on-air apologist for some of the game's worst officials, most notably crew Chief Tom Hallion*
*GP: 8/14/10
Top 2nd: PHI 1 - WSH 0
Roger Bernadina drops a slick bunt along the 3rd base line. Polanco makes a game effort, but his throw is well late at first base.
Wheeler: "It was a bang-bang play, but Crawford made the right call."
Pigeon: "Bernadina was safe by at least 2 steps, but you go ahead and keep sucking up to Crawford!"
Bottom 2nd: PHI 1 - WSH 0
The Nationals outfield has been playing ridiculously deep all afternoon, and with one out Shane Victorino takes advanage by dunking a ball in front of right fielder Michael Morse.
Wheeler: "Victorino does a nice job running hard out of the box to get a double."
Pigeon: "Am I SUPPOSED to be surprised??"
After Olsen walks Carlos Ruiz to put runners on 1st and 2nd, the Emperor provides a rare TMI moment for Phillies viewers:
Wheeler: "Olsen started the game with a light gray shirt - but after two innings in this heat and humidity his shirt is now dark gray!"
Pigeon: "Um, honey! That roast you were thawing out for dinner after the game? You can go ahead and stick it back in the freezer . . . I'm not hungry anymore!"
Bottom 3rd: PHI 1 - WSH 0
Roy Oswalt lines a single to right field. Morse charges and tries to pull off the rare 9-3 put-out, but the ball arrives late and sails past the reach of 6-5 1st baseman Adam Dunn.
Wheeler: "Morse makes a good throw there and he get's Oswalt at first!"
Pigeon: "Morse makes a good throw there and Oswalt beats it by 2 steps, so you could have sucked up to Crawford again!"
Rollins gets fooled on an Olsen change-up but advances Oswalt with a 1-3 groundout.
Ibanez goes down swinging, leaving Oswalt on 2nd with two outs.
This is a job for the BRAIN
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: CARTOON CLASSICS
Pinky: OH BRAAIN! This is not going well! Our pitcher is still on second base and there are TWO OUTS!”
Brain: Here is how I will get our pitcher to score, Pinky! I will swing at the first pitch and hit the ball toward the weak-armed man playing centerfield. He will throw toward home plate, but I will keep running toward second base. The man playing second base will catch the ball and throw to the GIGANTIC first baseman. I will dive on the ground and the GIGANTIC first baseman will miss when he tags me!
Pinky: But what will – POINT!! – happen if you miss the first pitch? You’ll run to first but the gentleman with the weak arm – SNARF!! - won’t have a ball to throw!!
Brain: IF I MISS THE FIRST PITCH I WON’T BE RUNNING TOWARD FIRST BA . . . JUST SHUT UP AND WATCH!”
The plan works perfectly! Polanco gives the Phils a 2-0 lead with a line single to center.
Top 4th: PHI 2 - WSH 0
Following a leadoff walk to Adam Dunn, Bernadina scolds a grounder toward center. But Rollins snags the ball with a full drive and flips to Utley for a 6-3 WEB GEM forceout.
A cell phone buzzes in the Phillies dugout:
To: JRoll
From: DPigeon
Last night's debt has been paid. You may resume calling yourself a Gold Glove shortstop again.
Bottom 6th: PHI 2 - WSH 0
Ryan Howard nubs a one-out dribbler along the first base line. Olsen sprints to the spot, wheels, fires to first . . . only the ball is still laying in the grass where Olsen forgot it.
Offical scoring: IF single
Reality scoring: E-1 (mental)
Werth grounds sharply to Dunn, who shows Howard the proper way to through a runner out at 2nd. 3-6 forceout.
Victorino turns on an Olsen fastball for a double to the LF corner.
Olsen walks Ruiz intentionally to load the bases.
Wilson Valdez - the GP MVP of the 2010 Phillies - drops his bat-head on an Olsen curve for a 2-runs single!
Bottom 7th: PHI 4 - WSH 0
In the light of day, the Phils see Nationals reliever Craig Stammen - who looked like Bob Gibson last night - for the jouneyman hack he really is.
Rollins smashes a single to right. Then the storms that danced around South Philly for 2 hours finally get down to business for a 1:40 rain delay.
As the rain ends, a misguided flock of seagulls decends upon Citizens Bank Park for Sunday dinner.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: AVIAN HABITS
When I was 15, my parents brought me to St. Petersburg on the Florida Gulf Coast to visit some of my mom's family.
One afernoon, a bunch of us went to St Petersburg beach for the afternoon. After frollicking in the 82-degree surf for an hour, I decided to check out a food stand along the beach.
The stand sold hot dogs and was located about 20 steps up from the beach. I bought my hot dog and noticed a sign that read: "DO NOT BRING FOOD ONTO THE BEACH".
Clearly, this was a warning to surfers about the danger of mixing food and birds. Naturally, I ignored the sign because the seagulls weren't bothering anyone at the hot dog stand.
I decended 19 steps with no problem. When I cleared the final step and my toe touched the sand, a dozen seagulls dove from the skies and attacked me. I made it about 10 yards before I felt a sharp tug and noticed that my delicious hot dog was gone forever.
Still thinking the Phillies would confuse him with Bob Gibson, Stammen sends an 89-mph E.L. Fudge cookie to Ibanez, who chased a dozen or so seagulls with a 360-foot screamer over the right field wall.
Final score: Phillies 6 - Nationals 0
Final score from Chicago: Braves 16 - Cubs 5
Boy, Lou! Your team really had your back today!
Enjoy your retirement!
I am Don Pigeon and I am OUUTTTT!!!
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