Top 1st: 0-0
As Cole Hamels works through a scoreless first inning, Tom McCarthy and Chris The Naked Emperor Wheeler recap Greg Gibson's botched baseline call that led to the go-ahead Houston runs in the 8th inning.
Wheeler: "Howard said later that he tagged Bourn, but he never acted like he had after the play - all he did was point at the baseline!"
Pigeon: "Howard didn't make a fuss about the tag because he knew the tag was hard to see. But Stevie Wonder could have made the baseline evasion call! That's why all the emotion was directed toward the baseline!"
Wheeler: "I just would have liked to see Ryan be a bit more demonstrative about the tag!"
Pigeon: Seriously? You, the Man who Loves Umpires . . . wanted Howard to argue more passionately to an umpire?
Bottom 1st: 0-0
For the first time since early June, the Phillies have their original starting lineup intact to face Bud Norris, who brings an ERA of 5.23 into the game.
Norris is a right-hander who pounds the plate with 92-94 mph fastballs because he can't control his mediocre breaking stuff.
If the Phils went to Build-a-Stiff to create a pitcher for their left-heavy lineup to anihilate, they would plop Bud Norris on the cash register while grinning from ear-to-ear.
But Rollins starts the night by upper-cutting a 93-mph fastball into a pop-up to third.
After a Placido Polanco single, both Chase Utley and Ryan Howard managed to be late on a pair of 93-94 fastballs in the Nitro Zone.
Bottom 2nd:
Jayson Werth leads off the inning. MyPhilly17 airs a retrospective of Werth's Patrick Star moment in the 6th inning of last night's game.
Apparently, Brett Myers stuck his tounge out at Werth. The ensuing giggle caused the Hamster in Werth's brain to stumble in its wheel, which reduced the firing rate of syanapses and resulted in Werth falling asleep as the final intentional ball reached home plate.
Bottom line: Werth was outsmarted by Brett Myers: the guy who in 2009 said his four-year old gave him a black eye, rendering him unable to pitch in a Clearwater rehab assignment.
Finding of the Cave of Insanity: too . . . stupid . . . to . . . live
Fittingly, Werth is also late on a 94-mph fastball in the Nitro Zone.
This is becoming a disturbing trend.
Top 4th: 0-0
Hunter Pence puts a nice swing on a decent Hamels cutter for a single. Carlos Lee - the beneficiary of Greg Gibson's blindness in game 1 - gets another gift in the form of a hanging change-up. Home run to left - Astros 2 - Phils 0
Bottom 4th: HOU 2 - PHI 0
Gary Matthews: "The Phils seem to be taking a lot of fastballs from Norris."
Pigeon: "And that doesn't include the fastballs they've jammed themselves on!"
Bottom 5th:
Tom McCarthy is having more trouble letting go of the baseline incident than I am.
McCarthy: "I heard Charile Manuel's comment about the umpires earlier today - he said that "If I could see every calls umpires miss on replay, I would lose the trust I have for (Umpires) now."
Pigeon: "That's the difference between me and Charlie Manuel. As far as my level of trust for umpires, I've got NOTHING to lose!"
To dramatize the discussion, MyPhilly17 shows a close-up of each umpire - ending with Scott "Buster Douglas" Barry, who managed to miss 15% of the pitches he needed to call on Monday night.
Bottom 6th: HOU 2 - PHI 0
After Ryan Howard is late on two more Norris fastballs, Jayson Werth finally decides to shorten his swing and lines a single to center.
"Hey Jayson, did Brett Myers make that suggestion? He is a SUPER GENIUS, you know!"
Raul Ibanez then decides to wait on a breaking ball and hits a smart liner down the left-field line. Running as though the SuperCuts police are chasing him, Werth crosses home for the first Phillie run.
Bottom 7th:
Tim Byrdak comes in for the Astros, and promptly issues one out walks to Jimmy Rollins and Placido Polanco.
Chase Utley comes to the plate
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: MOVIE COACHING IDOLS
One of my favorite sports movies of all time is Hoosiers. It has everything a fan like me could ask for: a small school besting the powerhouse from the big city, a story of redemption for a coach who blew everything in a heated moment, and a star player who overcomes emotional trauma to deliver the game-winning shot.
Early in the film, Norman Dale - played by Gene Hackman - instructs his players to pass the ball four times before every shot. When the first game arrives and points are scarce, one of Dale's players begins firing shots without passes or conscience.
After watching the player bury two consecutive jump shots, Dale calls time-out and pulls the player from the game.
Every time I see a player swing at the first pitch; especially when the player makes a weak out; I think of Norman Dale and smile.
Utley fouls off an off-speed pitch before flying out to rightfield.
Bottom 9th: HOU 2 - PHI 1
Once again, the Phils have managed to put Cole Hamels in the position of losing despite an oustanding performance.
But just as all hope is lost, Jimmy Rollins sits on a fastball from Wilton Lopez and launches a game-tying blast into sixth-row of the RF bleachers.
Bottom 10th: HOU 2 - PHI 2
Fernando Abad enters the game with an ERA of 9.00
This is where Richie Ashburn would say: "His ERA is 9.00; somebody must be hitting him!"
Somebody was not in the Phillies lineup tonight.
Bottom 12th: HOU 2 - PHI 2
Mark Melancon enters the game for Houston with an ERA of 4.91
This is where Richie Ashburn would say: "His ERA is 4.91; somebody must be hitting him!"
Still no sign of somebody.
Bottom 14th: HOU 2 - PHI 2
After Melancon retires Brian Schneider (1-3 groundout) and Jimmy Rollins (line out to RF), the Phils manufacture a scoring opportunity as Placido Polanco singles to right and Chase Utley draws a walk.
Ryan Howard steps to the plate with an 0-for-10 albatross around his neck, including 7 strikeouts.
Howard checks his swing on Melancon's 0-1 pitch in the dirt. Astro catcher Humberto Quintero appeals to Scott Barry at third base. Barry rules that Howard swung.
Howard angrily puts his hands on his hips.
Like the victim in a schoolyard copycat game, Barry angrily puts his hands on his hips.
Like the nerd who nobody played with in the schoolyard, Chris Wheeler defends Scott Barry.
Tom McCarthy, rapidly becoming the voice of Reason in Phillies baseball telecasts, realizes that 2 days of anger are about to explode at Citizens Bank Pank.
McCarthy: "Howard is getting pretty hot. Barry is getting pretty hot himself."
Chris Wheeler tries to respond without disparaging Scott Barry.
Wheeler: "Uh . . . yeah!
After a foul ball and a passed ball that allows Polanco and Utley to advance on the bases, Melancon spins another slider into the dirt.
Ryan Howard checks his swing again.
Scott Barry rules that Howard did swing - again.
GOING PIGEON PRESENTS: FACE OF INSANITY
Every morning after I take my shower, I step to my bathroon sink and shave with an electric shaver.
During that process, I have the pleasure of spending 4-6 minutes staring at an insane person*
*I have the prescriptions to prove it - DJP
But the person who stares at me while shaving each morning is nowhere near as dangerous as Scott Barry is right now.
As Barry was waiting to eject Ryan Howard, his face resembled Hanibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs, only Barry - who has not blinked in 10 seconds - looks like he is high on Crystal Meth at the same time.
As Howard is ejected and moves toward Barry to argue, Tom McCarthy and Chris Wheeler go into a panic, fearing that Ryan Howard will assult the umpire and earn a suspension.
Trust me, a suspension would have been the least of Ryan Howard's problems.
I'm convinced that if Howard had gotten within kissing distance of Scott Barry, the umpire would have leaned forward and sunk his canine teeth into Howard's Carotid Artery - causing the first baseman to bleed out within 30 seconds.
With Howard and Ross Gload ejected on the play - a fact that escaped both Wheeler and McCarthy as Howard approached Barry - the Phils were left with only 7 eligible position players.
Roy Oswalt was forced to play left field as Raul Ibanez made his way to replace Howard at first base.
I feel like Ellis 'Red' Boyd from The Shawshank Redemption: as cellmate Andy Dufrane is being serviced by a group of fellow inmates in the laundry room.
"I wish I could say the Phillies overcame their poor execution and incompetent umpiring to win the baseball game."
"I wish I could say that . . ."
Final score: Astros 4 - Phillies 2 (16 innings)
Final score from Denver: Rockies 5 - Braves 2
I am Don Pigeon and I am OOUUUTTTTT!!!
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